Parent Talk Guide to Happier Kids with Pam Garramone

       

A few weeks ago many Parent Talk members braved the cold to attend "The Parent Talk Guide to Happier Kids", the latest installment of the Parent Talk Lecture Series. Presenter Pam Garramone was fantastic; not only did she provide lots of amazing info, but she was extremely funny and made the evening super fun. In case you weren't able to make it out that night (or if you were, but didn't take detailed nerd-notes like I do), hopefully I can relay some of the ideas and resources Pam shared with us that night; however, I'm not nearly as funny as she is, so I recommend you attend one of her talks if the opportunity arises in the future.
          There has been a good deal of research done to try to determine what it is that makes happy people happy - data has been collected and compared regarding where people live, what they do for work, how they spend their time, and pretty much every other possible determinant affecting how we feel. And it turns out that happiness may be far simpler to attain than many of us think. Based on this research, happiness is 50% genetic, 10% external, and 40% actions and thoughts.

          So 40% of what determines whether or not we are happy is within our control, we just need to think positive thoughts - easy, right? Not quite. Our default when it comes to thinking is what is referred to as "negativity bias" - on average we have 70,000 thoughts a day, and 85% of these are negative. Add to this that our awareness of our surroundings is so influenced by what we are already thinking that we tend to see what we expect to see, what we are already thinking about, and miss the rest. Take this video awareness test to see what I'm talking about.

The good news is we can increase our happiness without having to move or change our jobs. Instead we can focus on finding things that make us feel good, pursuing activities that we enjoy, spending time with others, finding meaning in our actions, and accomplishing the goals we set for ourselves. And we can bring our kids along for the ride.

Cultivate a Growth Mindset
"Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently." Henry Ford
You've probably heard the terms "fixed mindset" and "growth mindset" - in a nutshell, fixed mindset is thinking that we are inherently good or bad at certain things, while a growth mindset believes that we can achieve whatever we want if we put the effort in. From the perspective of a fixed mindset, mistakes, failures and rejections are devastating and final, indicative of permanent weaknesses or inability. From the perspective of a growth mindset these same experiences, while still disappointing, do not define us, and can be learned from to further us on the path to success.  We can help our kids develop a growth mindset by teaching them to enjoy the learning process, mistakes and all. How? Rather than praising our kids, we can praise what they are doing/have done. Example: instead of "You're great at math!" try "Wow, I'm so impressed with how much you've been learning in math!" Instead of "You're such a good dancer!" try "I love watching you dance!". If kids feel they have to live up to an expectation of "being good at" something, they will be afraid to make mistakes. Here's a short video about growth mindset: http://www.letitripple.org/films/science-of-character/

Identify Strengths and Use Them
When we use our strengths we feel good about ourselves and engage in less negative thinking. Different people have different strengths - this survey can help you determine what yours are, and there's a test for kids too: www.viacharacter.org
How can we help our kids identify and enjoy their own strengths? Here's an example: "I noticed that you [insert strength here] when you [insert behavior here]"

Practice Gratitude
"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life." Melody Beattie
When we consciously think about the things that are good in our lives we dominate our internal dialogue with positive thoughts, which can tip the thought scales and overcome our negativity bias. Make a regular gratitude practice part of your routine, and you will start noticing and appreciating all the good things going on around you.

Some ways to practice gratitude on your own, or with your kids:
Gratitude jar – keep a jar and a little bag of dried beans on the table, and at meals have each person share something she's grateful for and put a bean in the jar. Watch the jar fill up.
Gratitude call – make a phone call to someone you are grateful to have in your life.
Gratitude journal - every day write down a few things you are grateful for. A morning ritual I've found effective is writing down 10 things I'm grateful for, 10 people I love who love me, and 10 personal goals.
Gratitude visit – write a letter to someone you are grateful to have in your life, find a time to meet with her, and read her the letter.
Gratitude message – every day text/message/email someone in your life thanking or praising them in some way.
What Went Well exercise – Write down or share 3 things that happened in the last 24 hours that made you feel good. I've started doing this one every night before bed with my daughter, and she loves it; a friend of mine does it on the car ride to school in the morning.

Connect With Other Human Beings
"You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with." Jim Rohn
Social connection is the greatest predictor of a happy personal life and of academic success. The people we choose to spend time with have a profound effect on our general wellbeing. Make it a priority that your child spend some time with a friend (other than at school) every week.

Help Others
Unsung Hero Video
We are hardwired to care about other human beings. Our brains even fire mirror neurons when we witness another human being suffering. There is no faster, more direct route to feeling good than helping or making someone else feel good, especially when the someone else is a stranger. Research suggests that helping others benefits our physical wellbeing as well. Find opportunities to volunteer in your community with your child. Parent Talk offers opportunities for family volunteering such as making overnight bags for Project Night Night, in which even very young children can participate.

Consider becoming a Parent Talk member to gain access to more great programming year-round.
And visit https://www.pamgarramone.com to invite Pam to come speak to your group and spread the joy of simply being happy!

About the Author:

Laura Perras is a mom and Realtor who grew up in Needham, lives in Brookline, and makes up half of the Perras Group at William Raveis Real Estate.  She’s involved in Parent Talk as Board CoChair of Marketing and Communications & Blog Coordinator.  Please reach out if you would like to submit a post to the blog or have feedback or ideas regarding what you’d like to see here : Laura.Perras.Realtor@gmail.com

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Teaching Young Children About Consent and Body Safety

Consent and body safety are both concepts that can be understood by young children, and can and should be taught long before they are old enough for sex ed. Healthy attitudes towards our bodies and respect for personal boundaries are not ideas exclusive to romantic or sexual relationships. It's become abundantly clear with all the media coverage of the #metoo movement as well as the rates of sexual assault on college campuses that we need to do a better job of teaching our kids the meaning of consent.

But how do we go about this in an age appropriate manner? Here are a few ways to introduce the ideas of consent and body safety in a way that young kids can understand.

My body belongs to me.

Kids should know that no one can touch their body unless they say it's ok. We should never force a child to hug or kiss someone if she doesn't want to - instead, we can give her the option of waving, or otherwise saying goodbye politely, if she is uncomfortable with hugging a relative or family friend.

Hands to my own body.

Kids should also know that it's not ok to touch anyone else's body unless they say it's ok. We can teach them to ask their friends before they hug them, and to accept "No thank you" for an answer.

Private parts are private.

Some parts of kids' bodies are only for them to touch, except in bathing, toilet, or dr. checkup situations. We should teach them the proper names for their private parts, and provide accurate and age appropriate books to help explain how the body works. Yes, this may be a bit outside many of our comfort zones, but muscling through a little embarrassment can go a long way toward fostering an environment where our kids feel secure coming to us for answers. Which is of course what we hope they will do if they are ever in a situation that makes them feel uncomfortable.

Probably the most important way to teach kids about consent, as with all things we hope to teach them, is by modeling appropriate behavior. We should always respect the boundaries of other people, adults and children alike. If we want our kids to feel their words are important and should be respected, we can demonstrate this by listening and acknowledging what they have to say.

There are plenty of materials out there to support having this discussion, like this excellent Youtube video, created by a young girl and her mother to explain consent to kids : Consent For Kids

Some relevant book suggestions from A Mighty Girl Blog : Body Smart, Body Safe: Talking With Young Children About Their Bodies

If you'd like to delve deeper into how to approach the topics of consent and body safety with young children, check out this article: Healthy Sex Talk: Teaching Kids Consent, Ages 1-21

About the Author:

Laura Perras is a mom and Realtor who grew up in Needham, lives in Brookline, and makes up half of the Perras Group with William Raveis Real Estate. She’s involved in Parent Talk as Board CoChair of Marketing and Communications, Blog Coordinator, and Sale Committee Member.
Please reach out if you would like to submit a post to the blog or have feedback or ideas regarding what you’d like to see here : Laura.Perras.Realtor@gmail.com

3 Things You Can Do to Prepare to Be a Parent with a Disability

 3 Things You Can Do to Prepare to Be a Parent with a Disability

While new parents eagerly await the arrival of their bundle of joy, they busily prepare their homes and themselves for their lives to change in the best way possible. All parents try to prepare as much as they can, and parents with disabilities have special considerations to make before a new baby arrives. We share a few things you can do to prepare for your new role as parents, including how to handle the stress that comes along with your newborn.

1. Prepare Your Home

Preparing your home for a new baby does not necessarily have to include baby-proofing, since your little one won’t be crawling for some time. Many new parents feel they need to get their homes ready for baby by installing childproof locks on doors, windows, cabinets, etc., but you have a few months before you need to worry about your baby being able to get into potentially unsafe places. Save yourself time and stress by focusing on the most pressing preparations for a newborn.

For example, you need to choose a space for the nursery, find places for the swing and baby bouncer, and make sure that you have baby monitors in place to help you keep an ear or an eye out for baby at all times. Keep in mind that new parents with disabilities should purchase accessible baby gear.

Consider putting as many items on the main floor of your home as possible if you have mobility challenges. Put a changing station on both levels of your home so that you have the necessities handy. And, put a bassinet in your bedroom to keep your newborn close, so you don’t have to worry about maneuvering around your home in the dark when you’re exhausted and stressed.

2. Find Support

Becoming a new parent is an exciting, stressful, and scary time for anyone. But, people with disabilities may fear that they will struggle in their new role as a parent and not know where to turn for support or encouragement. If you’ve struggled with addiction in the past, especially because of your disability, it is crucial that you find support before you cope with stress in an unhealthy way or put your sobriety at risk. Attend a meeting, talk to your sponsor, or meet with a counselor or therapist to remain in recovery.

Another way you can help yourself handle the stress of being a parent with a disability is joining a support group to talk with other parents who face the same struggles. It will help you realize you are not alone and provide additional resources and encouragement from people who are in your position and have healthy, happy families. Talking with other people will help you combat feelings of isolation and depression, and it will give you an outlet for sharing your emotions and relieving stress.

3. Prioritize Self-Care

It may seem counterintuitive to make yourself a priority when you have a new child, but you cannot be the best parent possible if you fail to care for yourself. Practicing self-care involves taking time for yourself to exercise, relax, read, or practice mindfulness. Anything that makes you feel good, relieves stress, and relaxes you will energize you and help you handle the pressure of being a new parent.

It’s easy for parents to feel selfish or guilty if they put some of their needs first. But, mental health professionals agree that new parents need downtime for self-care because they have such a demanding job. Say yes when friends and relatives ask if they can give you a break. Use the time to take a nap, take a hot bath, or read a book (one that is not about parenting) for a few minutes. Ask your spouse to take over while you get outside for some fresh air. Allow people to drop off food for you, or ask a friend to pick up take-out for you on her way home from work.

People with disabilities can prepare their homes and their lives for parenthood by purchasing accessible baby gear, finding support, and prioritizing self-care. The more you prepare, the less stressful having a newborn will be.

Image via Pixabay by jakobking85

Ashley Taylor is a disabled mother of two wonderful, amazing, energetic children. She met her husband, Tom, while doing physical therapy. Tom had suffered a spinal cord injury due to a car accident and uses a wheelchair for mobility. Ashley and Tom knew they wanted children and knew they would have to adapt their lives and home in order to make this dream come true. Ashley is happy to say that they are the proud parents of two healthy, wonderful children and their disabilities haven’t stopped them from leading a happy, fulfilling life.

Setting Compass Points for Children

Parent Talk is grateful to Dedham Country Day School for their sponsorship and willingness to share information and inspiration.  In this guest blog post, Allison Webster, shares her analysis of two books and applies it experiences children have every day in the course of their school days.  

Setting Compass Points for Children

1/23/2018

Allison D. Webster, DCD Head of School

I wrote in my last blog post about peak moments and all they do for a child’s memories and well-being; last week we had a peak moment for both children and adults at DCD. Mr. Clifford, wearing a top hat and tails, led a parade of students and penguins through the Lowell Center, which was packed with students and families.

Nearly 50 penguins waddled in, each pushed by a proud pre-kindergarten or kindergarten student artist who had been hard at work since September on their creation. We all sang an original song by Ms. Glaser, 8th graders shared penguin facts, and children from the upper grades raised their hands with enthusiasm when asked if they could remember their own penguin experience. Each penguin maker learned about creativity, collaboration, critical thinking, and communication through the process of making and presenting their penguin.

These skills – known in education as “the Four Cs” – are ones we value deeply at DCD. I recently read the book Whiplash by Joi Ito, and in it he makes the case for the importance of these skills, especially as we prepare children for a world that will inevitably be different from our current one. He suggests that we need to abandon the idea of providing children with a detailed map of how their lives will progress, and instead instill in them a compass that can guide them as they find their way into adulthood. He writes,

"...a map implies a detailed knowledge of the terrain, and the existence of an optimum route; the compass is a far more flexible tool and requires the user to employ creativity and autonomy in discovering his or her own path. The decision to forfeit the map in favor of the compass recognizes that in an increasingly unpredictable world moving ever more quickly, a detailed map may lead you deep into the woods at an unnecessarily high cost. A good compass, though, will always take you where you need to go."

As we develop children’s skills and capacities, we also set the compass points of DCD’s values. In one short penguin parade, children experienced many of our compass points as a school: all students have a voice and participate; hard work and persistence are expected; we value the continuity and meaning that comes from traditions; we celebrate together as a community. Throughout the process, children experienced the delight of learning, especially at times when creativity, collaboration, critical thinking and communication converged. 

The learning that occurred for each child during the months of penguin creation and celebration was extraordinary, and the social context in which it occurred was a critical part of the process. I recently read a passage in Jesmyn Ward’s Sing, Unburied, Sing that captured what experiences like the penguin parade provide children and how it builds a well from which children can draw. In Ward’s extraordinary book, the grandmother and grandson have a special relationship. She tells the grandson, Jojo, that she hopes he saved up the emotional sustenance she has provided during their years together. She says, “I hope I fed you enough. While I’m here. So you can carry it with you. Like a camel…Maybe that ain’t a good way of putting it. Like a well, Jojo. Pull that water up when you need it."

I know that today’s pre-kindergarten and kindergarten students will one day parade out of DCD, carrying diplomas rather than pushing penguins. When that time comes, they will have a strong and trustworthy compass to steer them, and a deep well of emotional reserves which they can “pull up” when needed. Penguins live in groups known as rafts or colonies, and last week was a time when we were all reminded how fortunate we are to be a part of our “raft” at DCD.

​Blog direct link: ​https://www.dedhamcountryday.org/page/blog-post?pk=981989&fromId=225774

Parent Talk Celebrates Our Super Volunteers, Part 2

Parent Talk is happy to honor Meghann Freni and Laura Perras as recipients of our Volunteer of the Year service award.  On December 27th, we celebrated with a blog post on Laura, and today, we follow up with a post on Meghann!
 

Spotlight on Meghann Freni, Volunteer of the Year

Meghann Freni is someone who seems to like getting off to a running start, judging from her habit of diving headfirst into each new volunteer experience with Parent Talk! 

Meghann is wife to Jon and mom to Ryan, Colin and Nora (ages 5, 3 and 1, respectively). She shares the Volunteer of the Year title with Laura Perras because of her remarkable willingness and courage to jump in and lend a hand, and leadership, when needed.

 

After giving birth to Ryan in 2012, Meghann left her Human Resources job in Boston to become a stay-at-home mom.  She moved with her young family back to her hometown of Needham.  Once in Needham, she joined a Parent Talk playgroup.

When Ryan turned 4, Meghann had her first real volunteer experience with Parent Talk.  She became Co-Chair for Parent Talk's Preschool and Kindergarten Fair in 2016.  She quickly followed that experience by once again, stepping in as Co-Chair, this time for the annual Summer Camp Fair in 2017.  Meghann explains, "I had friends who were involved with Parent Talk [who] really enjoyed their volunteer experiences, so they encouraged me to get more involved and I'm so glad I did!"

In chairing each event, Meghann's responsibilities included reaching out to schools, enrichment programs and camps to invite them to attend and purchase a table at either of the two fairs.  "From there, it was logistics such as set-up, materials needed for the event, and of course, the [Preschool Fair and Camp Fair] booklet[s]!"

While learning the ropes from the bottom up may be the preferred way many of us get started on a new adventure, a lack of past experiences appears not to have posed any constraint on Meghann!  Consider that freshly off of her second Parent Talk volunteer experience of co-chairing the Summer Camp Fair, Meghann neatly stepped into her current Board role as Parent Talk's Fundraising Co-Chair. 

Meghann has continued her involvement in Parent Talk because of what she views as the rewards of volunteering -- getting involved, making friends, and gaining a sense of community.  Of her experiences with the Preschool Fair and Camp Fair, Meghann says,  "I was able to see both events from start to finish.  It was great to see how families got a lot out of both events and I enjoyed the planning process and meeting new families and Parent Talk members.  By volunteering, you are helping to promote a sense of community, which in turn helps those who are new to the area or those who are looking to find something new within our community."

Thank you, Meghann, for all you do to make great events and programming possible for the entire Parent Talk community!

Are you thinking of volunteering or filling a leadership role for the first time? Perhaps take a page from Meghann's book and jump right in, learning trial by fire!  If that's not your cup of tea, keep in mind that beginning your involvement with Parent Talk can be as easy as clicking on the next Sign Up Genius link that you see, and filling a one-hour volunteer slot!  Volunteer opportunities are announced in Parent Talk's weekly  e-newsletter and Yahoo Groups discussions.  They are often also announced on our Facebook page and website.  Keep your eyes peeled for an opportunity!

About the Author:

Darlene W. Cancell first volunteered for Parent Talk at its biannual Used Toy, Clothing and Equipment Sale.  She followed that with at stint as PT's Blog Coordinator and currently is enjoying her role on the Board as Volunteer Chair.  She hopes she can help make volunteering with Parent Talk even more fun, convenient and rewarding.  If you have any suggestions, comments or questions about volunteering, please email her at volunteer@parenttalk.info